Everything has changed
by Me-Alice
Summary: Jay went bad, so bad that one night he came to Erin's place to talk to her about his insecure, his fear and the nightmares he made every night since is return from war. After that night together everything changed between them. How the two of them will deal with their new relationship and the job and Voight witch is on the back of Halstead, watching every move he made.
1. Chapter 1

Like every nights since his return from Afghanistan Jay woke up sweating and screaming the name of his "brothers in arms" as he like to call them.

He saw such terrible things that he cannot never forget and cannot say. Even if he want those words are hard to say and so painful that it's hurt him deep down in his soul. If he would able to forget, he would. For sure he wouldn't have to think twice about that. Forget the things he saw in Afghanistan, the things he do. But he know that he cannot forget, it's in him, in his memory forever and ever. It will never go. He will always remember the face of the people he will never saw again the face of these people he killed. The dead body on the sand, the blood all over his hands, his friends, his bothers. After so many years in the silence Jay start to think it was maybe the time to talk to someone. Someone who will just listen him, who do nothing but just listen. No judgment. Maybe he was ready for that but he wasn't sure yet.  
Breathless he sat on the edge of his bed taking his head in his hands. It was 3 A.M. Suddenly he gets up take a pants and a t-shirt and dressed quickly.  
Jay walk in the middle of the night aimlessly during long minutes when he think of Erin. He was now on his way to her apartment It was a cold and rainy night. Just after a few minutes outside he was all wet. When he knock at Erin's doors he wait a few minutes before she open it. She was still half asleep it's why she didn't realize that Jay was standing in front of her.

"I hope you have..." She start to say but Jay interrupted her.

"I...I need...to...I need talk to someone."

She never saw him so weak. It was the first she saw him like that. She gently take his hand ad bring him inside. Jay sat on the couch without saying anything. After all he don't have the strength to tell her about his time in military. At this moment he start to feel guilty to waking her in the middle of the night.

"What's wrong ?" She ask him as she sat next to him.

"Me."

"I don't see any problem with you Halstead."

"War" He whispers.

"If you want to talk I'm here"

"I just want to forget, forget everything. But I remember everything, every face, every person."

"Forgot is not the solution. You cannot forgot your past, or pretend that it doesn't exist. It will just hurt you more." She took his hand and look at him in the eyes. "My past isn't easy either but I don't want to forgot. You know why ? Because I don't want to relive my past. I want to remember and thing _"I'm not like that anymore. I'm not this girl and I will never be her again." _You...you understand what I tried to say ?

"Yeah...but..I'm sorry to wake you up. I'm...I'm..."

"Jay it's ok." She said before he finish his sentence. "It's ok to be weak sometimes."

As the minutes passed away their hands made a contact that both appreciate of them so without saying anything Erin holds Jay's hand. She look at him deeply in the eyes. When her eyes start to falling toward his lips she start to imagine the flavor of his lips, how good a simple would be. She wanted to kiss him but it was for sure not the moment. But when Jay leaned on her and pressed his forehead against hers she know he wanted too.

"Thanks." He whispered.

Jay close his eyes and pressed his lips against hers in a soft kiss. They both know they have to stop. They can't do that. They're partners. But despite the fact they aware they should have stop the kiss they continue. They slowly make their way to her room without break the kiss. Their clothes start piling up on the ground and they were in her bed making love passionately all night long. They don't bother about tomorrow, about how they will handle that tomorrow. If was just a one night stand or more. For now they were just live in the moment.


	2. Chapter 2

The sun was so bright that Erin find hard to open her eyes. She quickly turned to be face to face with Jay. Her eyes were now wide-open as the memory of last night suddenly resurfaced. She remembered Jay pressing his lips against her. At this moment she just let this happen. She wanted to so she responded to the kiss. It was for sure a awesome night. She need this but with her partner Jay ? No. Well she don't regret at all. She really enjoy last night but every time she tried to fell good about it she suddenly remember that she sleep with her partner. For the first time since of old Erin Lindsay was literally lost. What she was supposed to do now ? She take a look of Halstead lied next to her a hand under the pillow and the other on his face. _"He don't want me to watch him sleep or wath ?" _She think as she smile but slowly back at her old mood. She start freaking out again.

"Oh my god" That was the only words she found to say when she watch Jay still asleep. "Can someone tell me it's not real. Not that I didn't enjoy it was awesome but..."

"Who are you talking to ?" Jay ask his eyes still close. "You...do you regret it ?"

"No I don't but...Oh my god we're late." She yell as she saw the clock. "Get up and dressed."

Erin gets up and dressed as quickly as possible and move to the bathroom. After less than five minutes she left and make her way to the kitchen letting Jay alone in her bed totally naked. He slowly sat on the edge of the bed and dressed promptly to join Erin.

"This...it's stay between us okay."

"I think Voight will kill me if he find out but...I...I love it. You and I last night was..."

"Awesome" She finished his sentence and give him a cup of coffee.

"Yeah." He smile. "Thanks for...you know."

Erin drink her coffee while watching Jay do the seam things. After all they weren't really late, maybe a little but as she think. After a few minutes in the silence Jay think it was the time to break it. It's not that is was awkward but he just wanted to talk about what they gonna do now.

"So..."He start "What we gonna do now ?"

"Go to work like everyday."

"We slept together Erin and..."

"The only thing I regret is that your my partner." She whispered pressing her finger on his lips. "So stop freaking out, when I say it's stay between us I mean that no one have to know. Maybe we can figure out this after work ?

"Yeah sure"

They were both okay with that for one reason. They don't really want to talk about that. Erin want for sure to escape the discussion even if she want more and Jay want to be comfort. He want to be sure it's not just a one-night stand for her. He wanted to be sure that it's also mean something for her. Because he was maybe weak last night but he exactly know what he was doing. He wanted to kiss her and more. But he don't know what's it's mean to her. He was still a little scared so he just hope that she felt the seam things about last night that him. Or at least it wasn't just a one-night stand. As they make their way to Erin's car she turned to face Jay with a little smile on the lips.

"I forgot to tell you. I still not gonna let you drive"

They stare at each other for some minutes then they get into the car and Erin drove to the department. When they arrive Jay stop immediately because Voight just told him to come in his office. _"Ok he cannot know, it's impossible. We just arrived."_ He think. But when he close the door behind he shear a look with Lindsay. He have to admit, he was a little scared that I might know.

"Seat, it's important" Voight exclaimed seriously.


	3. It's okay to not be okay

Voight would have love to announce Jay a news. It's maybe weird but would had love to. Voight would have really appreciate that someone call him for the Lonnie case, someone who tell him they have finally something against him. But it's wasn't the case. It wasn't even about Lonnie it was about one of Jay's friend. A really good friend apparently. About what the girl told him, they were like brother and sister. A buddy from the army. Today Voight take the responsibility to announce him this terrible news. He prefer himself to tell him against an unknown that will say _"Sorry for your lost"._

"A woman called me today, she wanted to join you. I ask her to leave a message so she does." He stop for few second looking Jay how was becoming confuse. You know a Rebecca Connors ?"

"Yeah why ?" He ask still really confuse. "Is she ok ?"

"She killed herself last night. You can take your day off if you want, I'm sorry..."

"She was like my little sister. I take a bullet in my chest for her."

"I'm sorry kid." He say seriously. "I you think you able to work, your choice. But I need you at 100%...so if you..."

"I'm ok." He said leaving the office.

Once again in his life the only think Jay was able to thought was _"Why ? Why did she do that ?" _Rebecca was for sure her best friend. She always be there for him, she was like a sister for him. And today his sister committed suicide. How is he to judge ? He's the one who really thought about suicide when he come back from war. Why is he judging her ? He have no right. When he was in the army Jay learn to no judge anyone because of what they do or not in their life. It's why even when his "brothers in arms" where involved in something bad he never judge them. He saw and do the same thing that haunts him every night. He might not have kill people like some military does but he had do bad things too. Of course he hasn't just awful memory. He made a thousand of friends, he saved children but the horrible things he saw are like ghost. If he can just remember the things, he would.

"Everything Halstead." Antonio ask him putting his hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah." He whispered quickly trying to convince himself that everything was alright.

Erin watch her partner closing his for a few seconds before passing his hand on his face and his hair. She know Jay and for the moment he wasn't alright. But why ? Is that was something about what Voigh say him later. She wanted to know what going on in his head.

"What's wrong."

"Nothing, everything fine." He forced himself to smile.

"Listen to me all, today we arrest this dealer." Voight said pointing a picture on the board. " I need all of you at 100% even more if it's possible." He look at Jay for a few second and continue. "Come on, let go."

They all went downstairs to prepare for the arrest but Voight grabbed Erin's arm as she tried to go with them. She look at him really surprise by his gesture. By the help of her eyes she ask him what was going on. Was it about Justin. She look at him still really confuse waiting for him to finally say something.

"Be careful with Halstead."

* * *

They were in the car, Erin behind the wheel like usual but this time something was different. It was like Jay was not there. His mind was clearly elsewhere. He didn't watch at all if the dealer they have to arrest was outside. He was not there. They both wait patiently for Voight's signal to go in the warehouse. Nothing disturbed the silence around them. After a few minutes Lindsay finally say it.

"What did Voight tell you ?" She ask him without stop watching the enter of the warehouse. "You know you can tell me everything." She said taking his hand and looking him in the eyes.

"Later." He simply respond.

When Voight say to go they all jump on their car and go inside the warehouse there gun in hand. They were ready to arrest him. But the only problem was Jay, he was clearly not like usual. He wasn't with them. Today he wasn't able to separate his personal life and work. It's why when he came face to face with the dealer he do nothing. One shoot. He was on the floor. For sure if wasn't wearing his vest bullet he would be dead. Olinsky went to arrest him.

"What was that ?" Voight yell at Halstead when he gets up.

"Don't know."

"Take your day off.

"What, why ?"

"You seriously asking me why ? Take your day off, made your grieving and come back tomorrow. Now go home."

As he made his way to the car he heard Erin's voice calling him. He turned toward her looking her into her eyes. The memory of last night resurface and he smile for the first time since Voight announce him the death of Rebecca. They stare at each other as she passed her hand on his cheek. She was furious because of what he does with the dealer but when she saw his face and Voight's reaction she knew that something important was happened.

"What's wrong ?"

"It's been a year. She was like my sister and I barely saw her every year at the reunion of veterans." He said tears in eyes.

"You know, it's okay to not be okay. It's not weak, it's simply human. Go home now, get some rest, I will come to see you after work."

* * *

When Halstead arrived at his place he lets his body crash on the couch as he start looking at his bottle of whisky who was on the table. Many of his friend died in Afganistan, others died by their own hands and others died by alcohol or depression. Nobody knows who it's hard to be back from war until they go there. It's a big change for every military who survived, and when they realize their friends died and that they're still alive, they start to question himself. _"I should be dead, I should be dead a hundred times."_ Jay think as he close his eyes.

* * *

**_So what do you think of this chapter ? Leave a review to tell me you thought about this chapter._**


	4. Life is short

When Jay opened his eyes and sat on his couch he finally realize what he do today was stupid. He should have take his day off when Voight told him. He could have died today, someone could have get hurt because of him. It was stupid and he was weak today. Jay does not like show his weakness. He always hated that, but sometimes he though it would be more easy if he just put his head on someone shoulder and let all the tears go down. He shouldn't let all this pain deep inside of him. It's bad. He passed the rest of the day thinking about his mistake and all the things that pissed him off. Erin knock at his door at 7 P.M. Erin sat next to Jay waiting him to tell something if he wanted to.

"She killed herself." He just said.

"You blame her."

"Of course not, I though more than once about suicide when I came back from Afghanistan. I can't blame her for what she did."

"You will go to the funeral ?" She ask him even if for her it's was obvious he would say "_Yes." _

"No, I can't handle that anymore. I can't...I just can't."

Erin say nothing, she respect Halstead's choice. She also think it's wasn't the first time he had to go to the funeral to one of his friend and it's why he will not go again. Lindsay taker his partner hand and and intertwined his fingers with his. Jay slowly let his head going down her shoulder as he closed his eyes. He wasn't trying to understand why she do that, he knew he was trying to understand why he didn't do in the past. Why he didn't press the trigger of his gun. Why ? Maybe he was not brave enough to be a coward or maybe the fear of the death. What is weird for him is that when he was in Afghanistan the soldier Jay Halstead dream to escape his life. This escape was called death. During all the bad day he dream about death. About who it would be to be lying on the sand watching the sun burning his skin as he take his last breath. Yeah he though about that so many times that it's now impossible to now how much time he thing it was the thing to do. Jay Halstead isn't strong has he think. And now his not strong enough to handle that it's why he will not go to Rebecca's funeral. He fall asleep on Erin's shoulder.

Lindsay wasn't sure if she have right to stay at Jay's place tonight, but after having reflected she fetched a blanket and cover Jay with. She sat on the table watching him sleep as she though about what he say. It was hard to believe that Halstead though about suicide, it was hard for her to believe it and yet it was true. She placed a gently kiss on his forehead and stare at him for a few minutes.

When Jay wake up the next morning he was surprise to see Erin in his kitchen making some breakfast. He stare at her for some minutes and when she finally turn toward him he whispered a little _"Hey" _She smile at him as he stay here in front of her. Today he's feeling good. Much better than yesterday. He even don't have nightmare. What was really rare.

"How you feeling ?" She ask him gently.

"Much better. What do we do now ? I mean you and me ?"

"What I want is different that what we should do. Even if I don't want we should keep professional. You and I...we work together, we're partner. It would never work"

"But we can tried ?"

"Listen...we just can't." She exclaimed sadly.

"So you just give up. Why you give up so easily ? Because we're partner and so what ? Voight will kill me and so what ? You want more than friendship so do I. We both want more. What's the fucking problem Linsday ?

"We can't. The other night was awesome but you and I...like I said, it's never gonna work it's why we should keep professional. Breakfast is ready if you want some. See you at work."

* * *

"I don't want you here if you're not at 100%." Voight said to Jay walking toward to him.

"I am sir."

"You better be." He exclaimed as he came in his office and slammed the door.

Jay watch him slammed the door and sat on his chair. Voight was right, he better be at 100% but the problem was he don't know if he really was. Of course he feel better than yesterday but at "100%" like Voight said he has no idea.

"Stupid move yesterday Halstead."

"Shut up Ruzeck."

"Oh...it's look like someone is in bad moon today." Said Antonio as he sat on Jay's desk. "Voight told me about your friend, I'm sorry man. But we can go to the Molly's tonight if you want."

"Yeah seems good."

Antonio put his hand on Jay should and walk toward his own desk and start search in some paper. Halstead start to lost in his mind remembering the day he took his gun in his hand and press it to his temple. It was years ago now but he will always remember that if nobody would have knock at the door he would be dead.

"You sure you alright kid ?" Olinsky ask Jay.

"Can everyone just stop ask me that. I'm fine." He answer pissed off.

"Definably in bad mood."

"My way to handle that, deal with it Ruzeck. I need some air."

Jay sat on the stairs is head on his hands. He can't believe how weak he was. The death of Rebecca remind him so much things that wanted to forgot. He feel a hand slowly grabbing his shoulder. When he look up he saw Erin. He start at her as he remind all his friend who died in Afghanistan for...the country ? NO they died for nothing. Some of them died in front of him in is arms and of course other killed themselves. When he was there is didn't know if he would able to come home, he didn't know if is was the last sunset he will saw, he didn't know if he will survive. It's since is came back from war that he understand life is short. It's why for him keep professional is ridiculous. They both do a dangerous work so why wait until _"One day"_ or say _"We can't"_ or wait until one of them get shot or died. _"Life is short, she know that ?"_ He ask himself.

"You know I think life is definitely to short to keep professional." He said as he grab her hand and intertwine their fingers. "Maybe we can't but the other don't have to know."

Erin say nothing, she stay quite. She doesn't found the word, she really don't know what she could say. Of course he was right but they're partner it will never work. But after all they can tried and "break the rules."

"Let's go back to work." She smiled at him.

* * *

**_I hope you enjoy this chapter. :) Leave a review to tell me you thought about this chapter._**


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